101 Funniest Quotes Ever!

Laughs from Gaffes

Bypass the remark you'd always regret in favour of the version you'll shamelessly repeat.

INSTEAD OF SAYING THIS …

"It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep."

DONALD TRUMP (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)

… SAY THIS:

"The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won't get much sleep." 

WOODY ALLEN

INSTEAD OF SAYING THIS …

"Politics is everywhere, in your shirts, in your pants, you are carrying it everywhere."  

RAHUL GANDHI, politician

… SAY THIS:

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or in the holy name of liberty or democracy?" 

MAHATMA GANDHI

INSTEAD OF SAYING THIS …

"I won't go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I've ever felt to home."    

KANYE WEST, rap artist

… SAY THIS:

"I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster."    

SHANE RICHIE, British actor

INSTEAD OF SAYING THIS …

"It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people."

AXL ROSE, musician with Guns N' Roses

… SAY THIS:

"Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

ANONYMOUS

INSTEAD OF SAYING THIS …

"I thought Europe was a country."

KELLIE PICKLER, country music singer

… SAY THIS:

"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."     

STEPHEN COLBERT, talk show host

Fight Ire with Fire

Fend off a cruel or foolish declaration with a zinger that will knock their socks off.

When Mick Jagger insisted that his wrinkles were actually laugh lines, jazz singer George Melly replied, "Surely nothing could be that funny."

Asports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seat belt." The flight attendant's retort: "Superman don't need no airplane either."

Comedian and actor Vir Das echoed every Indian's sentiments when he tweeted: "Dear VIP whose 'movement' is causing my plane to be stuck during taxi ... I hope you get severe gastroenteritis. Enjoy that movement."

When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, "Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." "But Herr Mozart," replied the fan, "you were writing symphonies when you were eight." "Yes," said Mozart. "But I never asked anybody."

Shah Rukh Khan was being interviewed at the start of KaunBanegaCrorepati 3, when a reporter asked him (perhaps for the nth time): "We heard you are getting paid quite a lot for KBC-3 but you have been tight-lipped about it. Could you let us know how much they are paying you?" Pat came the reply, "If you ask that question again ma'am, I will have to ask you your age."

In the 1960s, Joe Pyne, one of the original shock jocks, apparently began an interview with Frank Zappa by saying, "So I guess your long hair makes you a woman." Zappa responded,"So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table."

Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, "Mr Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again." Barrymore replied, "My dear, you still haven't."

Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton's Planet of the Apes reminded him of a comic book he'd written. Burton responded, "Everyone knows I never read comics." Smith shot back, "That explains Batman."

An acquaintance walked past  Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly's bald pate. "That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife's behind," he said. Connelly,running his own hand over his head, remarked, "So it does!"

Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, "Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?" Nimoy'sreply:"May all your dreams come true."

Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Churchill snapped,"If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: "The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him."

Timed Lines

The right line at the right time is a thing of beauty.

Memorize these tried-and-true replies for any situation.

At a family dinner, your Luddite uncle Ralph is at it again about how science is bunk:

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre-determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road."    

STEPHEN HAWKING, physicist

"The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms."     

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON, astrophysicist

"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out."

RICHARD DAWKINS, scientist

"He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes."

MOLLY IVINS, author

"I've come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths." 

KENNETH COLE, fashion designer

A friend is considering getting married, and you have certain 'insights' about the institution you'd like to communicate:

"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." 

CLINT EASTWOOD, actor

"My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." 

SOCRATES

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are."

Attributed to WILL FERRELL

"Let nobody fool you, most couples are conjoined on earth. The mismatches, now they are a different story. They are made in heaven." 

KIRAN NAGARKAR, author

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

ROD STEWART, rock star

Someone is pressuring you to do better. Time to lower the bar:

"All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening."    

ALEXANDER WOOLLCOTT, actor    "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."

JOHNNY CARSON

"I am still on my zigzag way, pursuing the diagonal between reason and heart."

RUSKIN BOND, author

"Since the future's so iffy, I'll turn my attention to the past." 

MANIL SURI, author

"I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character."

CHARLES BARKLEY, TV basketball analyst

"I wasn't sure I would ever be able to deal with the world. It seemed too big and demanding and there was no fixed syllabus." 

JERRY PINTO, author

A co-worker asks your opinion of an insufferable boss. You're happy to unload:

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

SAMUEL JOHNSON, 18th-century author

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."    

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

"She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation."

JEAN WEBSTER, author

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

HENRY CLAPP, newspaper editor

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."

ISAAC ASIMOV, science fiction writer

Stand and Deliver

When a one-liner isn't enough, assemble bons mots and mix.

Abird poops on your friend's brand-new Dolce & Gabbana pumps. She doesn't believe you when you say "That's good luck in China", so she takes a seat on the kerb and sobs. You want to buck her up, but the China bit was your best gambit. Try this:

"Don't we both know that life is filled with disappointment? I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

1. Heck, if life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead

2 So sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.

3. After all, you already know there's no half singing in the shower; you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

4. But if you still want to mope, go ahead. I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

5. Then again, there's always plan B: Swallow a toad in the morning and you will encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.

6. Or even better, plan C: Live every week like it's Shark Week!"

7

1) ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

2) JOHNNY CARSON

3) MINDY KALING, actress

4) JOSH GROBAN, singer

5) JANE WAGNER, writer

6) NICOLAS CHAMFORT, 18th-century French author

7) TINA FEY, humorist

A friend bemoans the men in her life. Of course, you have advice:

"Why does a woman work 10 years to change a man, then complain he's not the man she married?

1. Women cannot complain about men until they start getting better taste in them.

2. For instance, men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for-marriage-they've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

3. And you'll know it's love when you're not too embarrassed to give him your REAL Starbucks order.

4. On the other hand, if you text 'I love you' and he writes back an emoji-no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back.

5. Hey, love is tough. Personally, over the years I've found that the perfect lover turns into pizza at 4 a.m."

6

1) BARBRA STREISAND

2) BILL MAHER, talk show host 

3) RITA RUDNER, comedian

4) WHITNEY CUMMINGS, comedian 

5) CHELSEA PERETTI, actress

6) CHARLES PIERCE, writer

Your mother is a year older today and none the happier about it.

"Yeah, Mum, this is big, but you know, the secret is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.

1. Don't listen to those who say you know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

2. Granted, age is a high price to pay for maturity

3. But how old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

4. The way I see it, you should live every day like it's your birthday.

5. You just have to have the right attitude. I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am."

6

1) LUCILLE BALL

2) JERRY SEINFELD

3) TOM STOPPARD, playwright

4) SATCHEL PAIGE, baseball player 

5) PARIS HILTON, socialite 

6) FRANCIS BACON, artist

A friend suggests you put down the Oreos and eat a salad. You say:

"Low-carb diets work not because they are healthier, but because without carbs I simply lose the will to eat.

1. Honestly, the only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

2. Besides, a healthy lifestyle is too time-consuming. Natural beauty takes at least two hours in front of the mirror.

3. And it's just a temporary solution. Make-up can only make you look pretty on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the make-up.

4. Do I really want to put myself through all that it takes to be beautiful? The workouts … the treatments … In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment."

5

1) ANNA KENDRICK, actress 

2) JULIA CHILD 

3) PAMELA ANDERSON, actress 

4) Attributed to AUDREY HEPBURN 

5) OLIVIA WILDE, actress

Point/Counterpoint

How to win the argument, switch sides, then win again.

DOGS VS. CATS

POINT: "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down."  

ROBERT BENCHLEY, humorist

COUNTERPOINT: "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sledge through snow." 

JEFF VALDEZ, producer

WINE VS. BEER

POINT: "Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy." 

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

COUNTERPOINT: "Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making."

STEVE MIRSKY, author

OPTIMISTS VS. PESSIMISTS

POINT: "An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'"

ANONYMOUS

COUNTERPOINT: "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." 

GEORGE WILL, columnist

MEN VS. WOMEN

POINT: "I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out."

LEE GRANT, actress

COUNTERPOINT: "The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him."

CHER

FICTION VS. NON-FICTION

POINT: "The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."

TOM CLANCY, author

COUNTERPOINT: "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."    

MARK TWAIN

DEMOCRATS VS. REPUBLICANS

POINT: "The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer and remove crabgrass on your lawn." 

P. J. O'ROURKE, writer

COUNTERPOINT: "The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it."

P. J. O'ROURKE, still a writer

MUMBAI VS. DELHI

POINT: "All they know is that you're trying to get to the city of gold, and that's enough. Come on board, they say. We'll adjust."

SUKETU MEHTA, author

COUNTERPOINT: "I asked my soul: What is Delhi? She replied: The world is the body and Delhi its life." 

MIRZA GHALIB, poet

ARTIST VS. CRITIC

POINT: "He suffers from delusions of adequacy." 

WALTER KERR, critic

COUNTERPOINT: "Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves."

BRENDAN BEHAN, Irish author

7 Things a Great Line Is Good For

Advocating

"You know there's a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R."    

DENNIS MILLER, comedian

Chiding

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."

OSCAR WILDE

Critiquing

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

BILLY WILDER, director

Both praising and insulting

"She loves nature in spite of what it did to her." 

BETTE MIDLER

Waxing philosophical

"Start every day with a smile and get over it."

Attributed to W. C. FIELDS

Creating hope

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women."

NICOLE HOLLANDER, cartoonist

Piety

"Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to."

DOROTHY PARKER, writer

Desi Gags

Who said Indians don't have a sense of humour?

JUST BEING FUNNY

"There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an oncoming train which will run them over." 

NAVJOT SINGH SIDHU, former cricketer & politician

"God save us from people who mean well."

VIKRAM SETH, author

"Unless we're the ones who are wrong … no people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time." 

SALMAN RUSHDIE, author

THE SOCIAL CHATTER

"I like the fact that Gandhi preached non-violence with a danda in his hand." 

@KALYANRATH, (BISWA KALYAN RATH), comedian

"Facebook has become like that wedding function at which you can't drink because all the family elders are there."

@MOJOROJO (ROHAN JOSHI), comedian

"What do you mean 'pffffffffffttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!' is not an appropriate conversational response to your educated point of view?"

@THEVIRDAS (VIR DAS), comedian

"Shaadi kar lo, sab thik ho jayega-Indian mom to Greece [when the Greek economy failed]." 

@REVIEWERO

"Fifty Shades of Grey is romantic only because the guy is a billionaire. If he was from Delhi, it would be a Crime Patrol episode." 

@IAMHORCRUX

THE UNINTENTIONAL HUMORIST

"I work so much. If I don't get all the comforts, I will turn mad."

LALU PRASAD YADAV, politician

"People call us an elephant ... We are not an elephant … we are a beehive ... It's funny but think about it. Which is more powerful? An elephant or a beehive?" 

RAHUL GANDHI, politician

"The English language has caused a great loss to the country. We are losing our language, our culture as there are hardly any people who speak Sanskrit now."

RAJNATH SINGH, politician