Patient: Doctor, I’ve had some strange symptoms lately and I’m hoping you’ll be able to diagnose them.
Doctor: For starters, your eyesight seems to be poor.
Patient: Wait—how do you know? You haven’t even examined me yet.
Doctor: You failed to see the sign outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
 

Recently, my husband was pulled over for not wearing his seat belt. But Irvin was convinced he was being bullied.
“Officer,” he said in his most condescending voice. “How do you know I’m not wearing a seat belt when my windows are tinted?”
“Because, sir,” replied the officer, “it’s hanging out the door.”

I asked a man on a country road for directions to a friend’s house. “Drive straight up the road till you reach the place where the
barn burned down,” he said. “Make a right turn onto the mud road till you see a shed with a dog out front, and then make another right, and continue up one kilometre.”

“What if the dog isn’t out front?” I asked.

Perplexed, he said, “Make a right, anyway.”

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-six.”

“Gimme a chocolate cone!” demands the customer as she walks into an ice-cream parlour.

“We’re all out of chocolate,” says the counterman.

“Then I’ll take chocolate in a cup with chocolate sauce and …”

“Sorry.”

“Chocolate and vanilla combo?”

The counterman frowns at the customer, “Ma’am, do you see the ‘straw’ in strawberry?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the ‘van’ in vanilla?”

“Sure.”

“Do you see the frickin’ chocolate?”

“There’s no ‘frick’ in chocolate.”

“That’s what I keep telling you!”

A man dressed only in a gown, rushes into the hospital waiting room and says to his wife, “Take me home, now! I’ve changed my mind about the operation.”

“Why?”

“Because the nurse said, ‘It’s a straightforward operation—very easy. You’ll be fine, so stop worrying’.”

“She was just trying to reassure you,” said the man’s wife.

“She wasn’t talking to me,” he said. “She was speaking to the surgeon!”