I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses.

Patient: Doctor, I’ve had some strange symptoms lately and I’m hoping you’ll be able to diagnose them.
Doctor: For starters, your eyesight seems to be poor.
Patient: Wait—how do you know? You haven’t even examined me yet.
Doctor: You failed to see the sign outside. This is a veterinary hospital.
 

Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero’s escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued.
“Excuse me,” she said, tapping Roxy’s owner on the shoulder, “that dog is extraordinary. I’ve never seen anything like it!”
“Yes, he’s surprised me, too,” said the owner. “He hated the book.”
 

After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother. “He fought with me again! I’m coming over to live
with you.”
“No, no, darling,” replied the mother. “He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”

A married couple has been out   shopping for hours when the wife realizes that her husband has disappeared. So she calls his
cellphone.
“Where are you!?” she yells.
“Darling,” he says, “do you remember that jewellery shop, the one where you saw that diamond necklace you loved? But I didn’t have enough money at the time, so I said, ‘Baby, it’ll be yours one day’?”
“Yes!” she shouts, excitedly.
“Well, I’m in the bar next to it.”

I asked my eighth graders, “Why are you looking forward to becoming a teenager?”
A student answered, “You’re treated more like an adult because you are getting closer to adultery.”

Recently, my husband was pulled over for not wearing his seat belt. But Irvin was convinced he was being bullied.
“Officer,” he said in his most condescending voice. “How do you know I’m not wearing a seat belt when my windows are tinted?”
“Because, sir,” replied the officer, “it’s hanging out the door.”